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Joke of the day - Add your jokes here

A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and took a sh*t on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of sh*t, he began to realize how warm he was.
The sh*t was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow sh*t, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shxts on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep sh*t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!!.​
 
Little Johnny was puzzled as to his origin. "How did I get here, Mommy?" he asked.
His mother said, using a well-worn phrase, ...."God sent you."
"And did God send YOU, too Mommy?", asked Johnny.
"Yes, Johnny, He did.", she replied.
"And GRANDMA and GREAT-GRANDMA and DADDY, too?"
Again the answer was "Yes, Johnny, He did."
Little Johnny shook his head in disbelief. "Then you mean to tell me no one in this family has gotten laid for 200 years?!?!? Well...that explains why everyone is so damn cranky !"
 
Came home to find all my doors had been smashed in and everything was gone..

What sort of sick dude does that to someone's advent calendar?
 
An advent calendar is usually shaped like a house with doors or windows and has some sort of treat behind it. Each door is opened each day of December until Christmas day.
 
I was in a long line at 7:45am today at the grocery store that opened at 8am for seniors only.
A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.
He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.
As he approached the line for the 3rd time he said, "If you don't let me unlock the door, you'll never get in there."​
 
A little old lady wanted to join a biker club. She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answered the door.
She proclaim “I want to join your biker club!”
The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she would be allowed to join.
So the biker asks her “You have a bike?”
The little old lady says “Yea, that’s my Harley over there” and points to a Harley parked in the driveway.
The biker asks her “Do you smoke?”
The little old lady says “Yea, I smoke. I smoke four packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I’m shooting pool.”
The biker was impressed and asks “Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?”
The little old lady says “No, I’ve never been picked up by the fuzz, but I’ve been swung around by my nipples a few times.”​
 
"I ain't ready to get married", Sam told his buddy Joe, "but, when I do, I want a gal who's an economist in the kitchen, a sweet lady when we've got company and a fireball in the bedroom."

Well, time passed and Sam did get married. One day he again ran into Joe.

"How's life with you, Sam?" Joe asked.

"Fine and dandy, Joe. I did get myself hitched."

"Great! And is she just like the gal you described to me?"

"Not exactly. I sure enough did get all the qualities in my wife that I wanted. But they came a little bit mixed. Jenny's a fireball in the kitchen, a sweet lady when we've got company, but she's an economist in the bedroom."​
 
Three good ole boys died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The cowboy from Texas fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The logger from Minnesota reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The old farmer from Ohio started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The Buckeye replied, 'These are Carols.'

And so the Christmas season begins...............
 
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