funkaholik
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Joke of the day - Add your jokes here
- Thread starter Aussie67
- Start date
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
A lady was standing on a street corner waiting for a bus when she happened to notice a weight machine. She fumbled through her purse for a dime and went over to the machine and inserted the coin.
Out came a card that said "You weigh 126 pounds. and in 30 seconds you will pass gas". Sure enough, after 30 seconds, she passed wind. Astonished that the machine was correct, she found another dime and returned to the weight machine.
After inserting the coin, out popped another card that read "you still weigh 126 pounds and in 30 seconds, you will be ravished" Again, after 30 seconds, 2 men came out of an alley, dragged her back into the alley and attacked her.
Afterwards, fumbling through her purse, she managed to find another dime. She dragged herself over to the weight machine and put in her last dime. Again a little card popped out that said, "you still weigh 126 pounds, and while you were farting and fooling around, you missed your bus".
Out came a card that said "You weigh 126 pounds. and in 30 seconds you will pass gas". Sure enough, after 30 seconds, she passed wind. Astonished that the machine was correct, she found another dime and returned to the weight machine.
After inserting the coin, out popped another card that read "you still weigh 126 pounds and in 30 seconds, you will be ravished" Again, after 30 seconds, 2 men came out of an alley, dragged her back into the alley and attacked her.
Afterwards, fumbling through her purse, she managed to find another dime. She dragged herself over to the weight machine and put in her last dime. Again a little card popped out that said, "you still weigh 126 pounds, and while you were farting and fooling around, you missed your bus".
Your word salad of the day.
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Aussie67
Well-Known Member
I'm 81 and I have so many unanswered questions........
I still haven't found out Who Let The Dogs Out...Where's the Beef...how to get to Sesame Street... why Dora doesn't just use Google Maps...why do all flavours of fruit loops taste exactly the same......why eggs are packaged in flimsy Styrofoam or paper cartons, but batteries are secured in plastic that's tough as nails...why some men shave while driving.. why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed... why "abbreviated" is such a long word... "abv" why lemon juice is made with artificial flavour yet dish-washing liquid is made with real lemons... why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections... and, why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts" where's that extra penny going to... why does the Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same tune... why did you just try to sing those two previous songs... and just what is Victoria's secret?? why does Hawaii have interstate Highways?...why we park in a driveway and drive in a parkway? For Pete's sake why is there Brail on drive-thru ATMs?
Do you really think I am this witty?? I actually got this from a friend, who stole it from her brother's girlfriend's, uncle's cousin's, baby momma's doctor who lived next door to an old class mate's mail man...Now it is your turn to take it from me..
I still haven't found out Who Let The Dogs Out...Where's the Beef...how to get to Sesame Street... why Dora doesn't just use Google Maps...why do all flavours of fruit loops taste exactly the same......why eggs are packaged in flimsy Styrofoam or paper cartons, but batteries are secured in plastic that's tough as nails...why some men shave while driving.. why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed... why "abbreviated" is such a long word... "abv" why lemon juice is made with artificial flavour yet dish-washing liquid is made with real lemons... why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections... and, why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts" where's that extra penny going to... why does the Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same tune... why did you just try to sing those two previous songs... and just what is Victoria's secret?? why does Hawaii have interstate Highways?...why we park in a driveway and drive in a parkway? For Pete's sake why is there Brail on drive-thru ATMs?
Do you really think I am this witty?? I actually got this from a friend, who stole it from her brother's girlfriend's, uncle's cousin's, baby momma's doctor who lived next door to an old class mate's mail man...Now it is your turn to take it from me..
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
A woman hears her husband cursing up a storm from behind the bathroom door. She knocks and says, "Honey, what is it?"
Her husband emerges from the bathroom and says, "The doctor prescribed suppositories for this stomach problem I've been having, and no matter what I do, I just can't get the little sucker up my butt. Even the doctor had to shove the first one in to show me how it was done and I tell you, it took forever for him to get it up there and it *hurt*!"
"Poor baby," says the wife. "You were probably nervous and tense, and he probably wasn't very gentle with you.
Here, let me give you the suppository - - I don't mind."
Still grumbling, the husband bends over. His wife puts her left hand on his left shoulder to brace him, and, with her right hand quickly and easily slips the pill up her husband's rear end. The husband suddenly lets out a blood curdling scream.
"Sh!t!" Says the wife. "What happened? Did I hurt you?"
"No!" Cries the man. "But I just realized that when the doctor did it, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders!"
Her husband emerges from the bathroom and says, "The doctor prescribed suppositories for this stomach problem I've been having, and no matter what I do, I just can't get the little sucker up my butt. Even the doctor had to shove the first one in to show me how it was done and I tell you, it took forever for him to get it up there and it *hurt*!"
"Poor baby," says the wife. "You were probably nervous and tense, and he probably wasn't very gentle with you.
Here, let me give you the suppository - - I don't mind."
Still grumbling, the husband bends over. His wife puts her left hand on his left shoulder to brace him, and, with her right hand quickly and easily slips the pill up her husband's rear end. The husband suddenly lets out a blood curdling scream.
"Sh!t!" Says the wife. "What happened? Did I hurt you?"
"No!" Cries the man. "But I just realized that when the doctor did it, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders!"