Mach1 Driver
Well-Known Member
^^ ooh
-
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Joke of the day - Add your jokes here
- Thread starter Aussie67
- Start date
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
It's the summer of 1957 and Harold goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Harold's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in. 'Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?' she says.
That's cool. Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do. Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie. Peggy Sue's mother responds, 'Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.'
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says 'Wha...aaat?' 'Yeah,' says Peggy Sue's mother, 'We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!'
Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, 'Have a good Evening kids,' with a small wink for Harold.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly dishevelled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother, "It's The Twist, Mother!, the dance is called, Let's Do the Twist!'
That's cool. Peggy Sue's mother asks Harold what they're planning to do. Harold replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie. Peggy Sue's mother responds, 'Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.'
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Harold and he says 'Wha...aaat?' 'Yeah,' says Peggy Sue's mother, 'We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!'
Harold's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Harold escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, 'Have a good Evening kids,' with a small wink for Harold.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly dishevelled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother, "It's The Twist, Mother!, the dance is called, Let's Do the Twist!'
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
Texan's guide to life
Never squat with yer spurs on.
There's two theories to arguin' with a woman; neither one works.
Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.
Finally, never miss a good chance to shut up.
Never squat with yer spurs on.
There's two theories to arguin' with a woman; neither one works.
Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.
Finally, never miss a good chance to shut up.
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
The manager of ladies' dress shop realized it was time to give one of her sale clerks a 'pep talk'.
"Jane, your figures are well below any of our other salespeople's. In fact, unless you can improve your sales record soon, I'm afraid you'll have to let you go."
"I'm sorry, Ma'am," said a humbled Jane. "Can you give me any advice on how to do better?"
"Well, there is an old trick I can tell you about. It sounds silly, but it's worked for me in the past. Get hold of a dictionary and go through it until you come to a word that has particular power for you. Memorize it, work it into your sales pitch whenever it seems appropriate, and you'll be amazed at the results."
Sure enough, Jane's sales figures went way up, and at the end of the month, the manager called her in again and congratulated her. "Did you try my little trick?" she asked.
Jane nodded. "It took me a whole weekend to find the right word, but I did:.... ' Fantastic.' "
"'Fantastic.' What a good word," said the manager encouragingly. "How have you been using it?"
"Well, my first customer on Monday was a woman who told me her little girl had just been accepted at the most exclusive prep school in the city.
I said, 'Fantastic.'
She went on to tell me how her daughter always got straight A's and was the most popular girl in her class, I said 'Fantastic' and she bought $300 worth of clothing.
My next customer said she needed a formal dress for the spring ball at the country club, which she was in charge of. I said 'Fantastic.'
She went on to tell me she has the best figure of anyone on the committee and her husband makes the most money.
I said 'Fantastic' and she not only bought the designer gown, but hundreds of dollars of other merchandise. It's been like that all week... the customers keep boasting, I keep saying 'Fantastic', and they keep buying!"
"Excellent work, Jane," complimented her boss. "Just as a point of interest, what did you used to say to customers before you discovered your power word?"
Jane shrugged. "I used to say, 'Who gives a sh*t?'"
"Jane, your figures are well below any of our other salespeople's. In fact, unless you can improve your sales record soon, I'm afraid you'll have to let you go."
"I'm sorry, Ma'am," said a humbled Jane. "Can you give me any advice on how to do better?"
"Well, there is an old trick I can tell you about. It sounds silly, but it's worked for me in the past. Get hold of a dictionary and go through it until you come to a word that has particular power for you. Memorize it, work it into your sales pitch whenever it seems appropriate, and you'll be amazed at the results."
Sure enough, Jane's sales figures went way up, and at the end of the month, the manager called her in again and congratulated her. "Did you try my little trick?" she asked.
Jane nodded. "It took me a whole weekend to find the right word, but I did:.... ' Fantastic.' "
"'Fantastic.' What a good word," said the manager encouragingly. "How have you been using it?"
"Well, my first customer on Monday was a woman who told me her little girl had just been accepted at the most exclusive prep school in the city.
I said, 'Fantastic.'
She went on to tell me how her daughter always got straight A's and was the most popular girl in her class, I said 'Fantastic' and she bought $300 worth of clothing.
My next customer said she needed a formal dress for the spring ball at the country club, which she was in charge of. I said 'Fantastic.'
She went on to tell me she has the best figure of anyone on the committee and her husband makes the most money.
I said 'Fantastic' and she not only bought the designer gown, but hundreds of dollars of other merchandise. It's been like that all week... the customers keep boasting, I keep saying 'Fantastic', and they keep buying!"
"Excellent work, Jane," complimented her boss. "Just as a point of interest, what did you used to say to customers before you discovered your power word?"
Jane shrugged. "I used to say, 'Who gives a sh*t?'"
Mach1 Driver
Well-Known Member
Fantastic!
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
An old military pilot who had flown in WWI, WWII, and Korea was being interviewed by Johnny Carson on the Tonight Show.
During the interview one of the questions Johnny asked him, “What was the most scared you have every been?”
The old man though a bit then started his story. I was on patrol over France and suddenly found myself alone and lost. As I was trying to get my bearing these three fokers came out of the sun guns blazing.
I know I was in trouble and that it was going to take all my skill and luck if I was going to get away from these fokers. So, I’m doing everything I could to get an advantage over these fokers.
Johnny stopped him because he thought the audience and censors may be getting the wrong idea about the terminology.
Johhny said, “just to be clear Fokker was the manufacturer of many of Germany fighter planes correct.”
The old man said:
“Yes, yes that is correct but these three fokers well they were flying Messerschmitt’s.
During the interview one of the questions Johnny asked him, “What was the most scared you have every been?”
The old man though a bit then started his story. I was on patrol over France and suddenly found myself alone and lost. As I was trying to get my bearing these three fokers came out of the sun guns blazing.
I know I was in trouble and that it was going to take all my skill and luck if I was going to get away from these fokers. So, I’m doing everything I could to get an advantage over these fokers.
Johnny stopped him because he thought the audience and censors may be getting the wrong idea about the terminology.
Johhny said, “just to be clear Fokker was the manufacturer of many of Germany fighter planes correct.”
The old man said:
“Yes, yes that is correct but these three fokers well they were flying Messerschmitt’s.
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
A man walked into a restaurant and seated himself. Soon, the waitress came over to take his order.". . .and to drink?" she asked. The man said he would like coffee.
The waitress promptly returned with a cup of coffee, but spilled it on the man's lap when she stopped at the table.
"Oh my God; I am so sorry!"
"That's OK," the man said, sopping up the puddle on his pants with his a napkin - "but tell me, is this regular or decaf?"
"Regular," she replied.
"Oh great, now this thing is going to be up all night!"
The waitress promptly returned with a cup of coffee, but spilled it on the man's lap when she stopped at the table.
"Oh my God; I am so sorry!"
"That's OK," the man said, sopping up the puddle on his pants with his a napkin - "but tell me, is this regular or decaf?"
"Regular," she replied.
"Oh great, now this thing is going to be up all night!"
Serious question Tony…are you a comedic writer, stand up or just a bloke with too much free time? 
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
To much time I guess, but we do like a laugh down here.
Aussie67
Well-Known Member
Just in case you ever got the two mixed up. This should make things a bit clearer.
IN PRISON: you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK: you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON: you get uninvited man love
AT WORK: it’s called sucking up to your boss
IN PRISON: you get three meals a day.
AT WORK: you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.
IN PRISON: you get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK: you get more work for good behaviour.
IN PRISON: the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK: you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.
IN PRISON: you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK: you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON: you get your own toilet.
AT WORK: you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.
IN PRISON: they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK: you can't even speak to your family.
IN PRISON: the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.
AT WORK: you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON: you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK: you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON: you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK: they are called managers.
IN PRISON: you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK: you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON: you get uninvited man love
AT WORK: it’s called sucking up to your boss
IN PRISON: you get three meals a day.
AT WORK: you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.
IN PRISON: you get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK: you get more work for good behaviour.
IN PRISON: the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK: you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.
IN PRISON: you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK: you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON: you get your own toilet.
AT WORK: you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.
IN PRISON: they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK: you can't even speak to your family.
IN PRISON: the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.
AT WORK: you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON: you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK: you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON: you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK: they are called managers.