Joke of the day - Add your jokes here

[Aussie67]

Mac the sailor docked at New York after a frustrating 3-month voyage. Unfortunately he'd lost most of his pay playing poker on board ship, so when he eventually found a lady of the night all he could offer her was 50 cents & a pair of sneakers.

She refused with disdain.

He wandered around in search of a more accommodating girl, but was refused time & time again. Eventually he found a more sympathetic lady who told him that although she could not possibly accept his offer herself, he could always try Mabel down the road. But she warned him not to expect too much as Mabel was very unresponsive & would probably just lie there passively.

He found Mabel & as times were hard she reluctantly agreed to accept the 50 cents & the pair of sneakers for her services, but told him not to expect any kind of response from her.

Mac began the amorous act & after a few minutes was please to find an arm coming around his back. This was followed shortly after by a leg curling around his rear.
Mac, who had always fancied himself a bit of a Romeo, gasped, "I knew you wouldn't be able to resist my charms." "Don't worry about me, love," answered Mabel, "I'm just trying on the sneakers."

 

[Aussie67]

A lady failed the written driving test four times. At the fifth attempt, she was determined to pass.

But the test had the same question, “You are driving at 70 mph. On your right is a wall, on your left is a cliff. On the road you see an old man and a young man. What will you hit?”

The woman walked up to the Examiner and said, “I’ve answered this question all four ways: the wall, the cliff, the old man, and the young man. Yet I failed all four times. How is this possible? What am I supposed to hit?”

“Your brakes!!!” replied the Examiner.​

 

[Aussie67]

A motorcycle cop pulls over a car for speeding. The cop walks up to the young lady and she's crying and apologizing. He gets her driver's license and insurance. Goes back to his motorcycle and writes the ticket.

She sees the ticket and the crocodile tears immediately stop. He hands her back her credentials and she says as he's walking away. “I thought pretty girls didn't get tickets”. Cop turns and says. “.................................. “They don't.”​

 

[Aussie67]

One Sunday morning, the priest noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the priest walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly "Good morning Alex."

"Good morning Father," he replied, still focused on the plaque. "Father, what is this?" he asked the priest.

The priest said, "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked, "Which service, the 9:45 or the 11:15?"​

 

[Jim Herrud]

Speaking of priests, here's a true story...

My wife and I lost her parents seven years ago – they passed within 3 weeks of each other. During their joint memorial service, the highlight for me was my 4-year old grandson’s participation. My in-laws were Catholic, and my grandson’s family are Protestant, so when they participated in the Communion sacrament, my grandson Isaac had been duly coached by his father to walk up to the Priest with his arms folded across his chest to receive a blessing. When the time came, Isaac walked up and stopped in front of Father Len with his arms dutifully crossed and a pious look on his face. The father reached out with an open palm over Isaac’s head to give him the blessing. Isaac saw this and burst into a huge grin. He pulled his right arm back and with a huge windup gave the Father a big high-five. The Padre rolled with it and with an amused smile on his face, finished the blessing.